Funny Quotes for a Home Screen
You lot know how the proverb goes: Laughter is the best medicine. And there'southward so much truth to that old adage. If you're having a bad day, or if someone you lot love needs a little cheering up, sense of humor tin help ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life'due south stresses.
This collection of funny quotes provides an assortment of means to trigger that smile and turn around someone's lousy mood. (Even if that someone is you!) We've got funny quotes well-nigh honey, wedlock, aging, parenting, and so many more than relatable topics. Take hold of your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or fifty-fifty only to print and hang above your desk-bound to serve every bit a little reminder that life'south non that serious — and we're all much improve off laughing and so we don't cry!
These funny quotes come from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller. Y'all'll also find laugh-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms like The Office, and funny-but-oh-then-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So enjoy our list and bookmark it to come back to anytime yous demand a laugh.
Looking for more inspiration? Check out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes nearly life.
Funny Quotes About Life
1. "Life is short. Bulldoze fast and get out a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Role
2. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that information technology is worth waking me upward to come across information technology."
―Mindy Kaling
three. "I ever cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—West.C. Fields
iv. "People say money is non the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you lot can have a key made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Exercise not take life also seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
half-dozen. "I generally avert temptation unless I tin can't resist it."
―Mae West
7. "Sometimes you prevarication in bed at night and yous don't have a single thing to worry about. That ever worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell
9. "I'one thousand killing fourth dimension while I look for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
―Nib Watterson
10. "You lot simply alive once, but if you do it right, once is plenty."
―Mae West
11. "If at first you don't succeed, attempt, try again. Then quit. No use existence a damn fool about it."
―W.C. Fields
12. "I love flesh... it'southward people I tin can't stand!!"
― Charles Chiliad. Schulz
13. "I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
―Oscar Wilde
14. "Would I rather exist feared or loved? Piece of cake. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Office
15. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'grand not certain near the universe."
―Albert Einstein
16. "When life gives y'all lemons, squirt someone in the middle."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that'due south troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
xix. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day within my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I just want to lie on the embankment and eat hot dogs. That'southward all I've ever wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Part
21. "Whenever I'k well-nigh to exercise something, I recall, 'Would an idiot practice that?' And if they would, I practice not exercise that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Part
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you lot can do the mean solar day after tomorrow just as well."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'm non crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, yous know what they say: If yous don't have anything prissy to say about anybody, come sit past me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A woman is like a tea bag: Y'all tin can't tell how strong she is until you lot put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what y'all want is someone who volition take the double-decker with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatever women do they must exercise twice also as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not hard."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I drink to make other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Wine is constant proof that God loves the states and loves to see u.s.a. happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
30. "When yous're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bond you out. A best friend will exist in the prison cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'm non offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm non dumb. And I as well know that I'm non blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I similar my money where I can come across it: hanging in my cupboard."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
33. "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women get shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Aureate Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every iv Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Recollect of your three all-time friends. If they're OK, then information technology'south you." —Rita Mae Brown
35. "My friends tell me I accept an intimacy problem. But they don't actually know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I but drink whatever's in the drinking glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Gilded Girls
37. "I don't care what they say about me. I just desire to swallow."
—Pam Beesly, The Office
38. "Don't waste material so much time thinking about how much you weigh. At that place is no more than heed-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
40. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't call back it'due south natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes Virtually Aging
41. "The surreptitious of staying young is to alive honestly, consume slowly, and lie virtually your age."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Beloved, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' beyond your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "You lot know you've reached center age when you're cautioned to slow down past your doctor, instead of by the police force."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How yous stay looking then immature?' I say, well, skillful lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Wait, you didn't ask me for my stance, but I'one thousand old, and so I'm giving it anyhow."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
46. "No thing how bad things go, think these sage words: Y'all're old, yous sag, become over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
47. "Yous know you're getting one-time when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could practice while yous're down there." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless y'all are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "As y'all get older, three things happen. The first is your retention goes, and I can't remember the other two."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes About Marriage
fifty. "Earlier you marry a person, yous should first brand them apply a computer with dull Internet service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men ally women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I dearest you no matter what yous do, but do you lot have to practise so much of information technology?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Honey is bullheaded simply marriage is a real center-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The secret to a long spousal relationship is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The all-time way to get near husbands to practice something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "Equally a man in a relationship, you accept a simple option. You can either exist right, or y'all tin be happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Backside every not bad homo is a woman rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Short Funny Quotes
59. "The only thing worse than being talked about is non being talked nigh."
—Oscar Wilde
60. "The older you get, the better yous get. Unless you lot're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If you lot tin can't be kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells yous money can't buy happiness never had whatever."
—Samuel L. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Pecker Watterson
64. "Don't exist so humble — you lot are not that great."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a skilful run a risk to shut upwardly."
―Will Rogers
66. "I've had great success beingness a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal organization."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the visitor."
—Marking Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes likewise long."
—Carrie Fisher
70. "Don't become around maxim the globe owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston South. Churchill
72. "All the things I similar to practice are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the high route and how loftier it should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, because the earth needs wisdom. If you cannot exist wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and so just behave similar they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay truthful to yourself, never follow someone else'due south path unless y'all're in the wood and y'all're lost and you run across a path and then by all ways yous should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who think they know everything are a great badgerer to those of us who exercise."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a human being who thinks everybody is equally nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Coin tin't buy you happiness, just information technology can buy yous a yacht big enough to pull up correct alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave usa two ends: One to sit on and the other to recollect with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes About Parenting
80. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a prissy, rubber playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. So I want to motion in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are nevertheless growing is like shoveling the walk earlier it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "It is not like shooting fish in a barrel being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
84. "Adults are ever asking children what they want to exist when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If you are non yelling at your kids, you lot are not spending enough time with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such matter every bit fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom practise the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes Nigh Piece of work
88. "Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An office is a identify to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come up true."
—Michael Scott, The Part
xc. "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
91. "The all-time way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework tin't kill y'all, but why accept the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I detest housework. You lot make the beds, you wash the dishes and 6 months later on yous accept to get-go all over again."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at information technology for hours."
―Jerome K. Jerome
95. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it past leaving early on."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is like being defenseless in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The just affair that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown
98. "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure."
—Marker Twain
100. "Even if you lot are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."
—Will Rogers
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